Thursday, July 18, 2013

@tortillareform's timeline on Twitter .. 1 of 2

Tweets

  1. 15 Jul
    The chicken was actually a stool pigeon about to double-cross the road when.. car.
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  2. 10 Jul
    Beer below 5% can just fuck right off!
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  3. 10 Jul
    Don't even act like your ass doesn't start dancing when the dance scene in Footloose comes on...I've seen you through your window..
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  4. 8 Jul
    “Not road to greatness. Road to ruin,” ~Sarah Palin, overshooting landing strip and crashing headfirst into her own glory hole
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  5. 8 Jul
    Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda? “Clinton’s a schmuck.” Abe V
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  6. 20 Jun
    To put it in perspective, we're feeling bad for multi-millionaires because they didn't win at something we made up to pass time.
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  7. 30 Apr
    Facebook friending someone on twitter is like crossing light saber beams
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  8. 20 Jun
    Spent 5 minutes at a co-worker's desk, watching a webcam of kittens. Now I want to kick my own ass.
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  9. 5 Jul
    My self-censor efforts led to sequester. Sucks in this plucking feathers weather. Stuck wearing an asshat. I can’t get over it.
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  10. 5 Jul
    I quit subtle energy intentional cable TV anchor crotch shot trance enhance truthiness transference study because fuck the news.
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  11. 5 Jul
    I learn new stuff each time I watch Joe Dirt besides don't drink bong water. I knew that. I don't know DirtVinci Code, though.
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  12. 5 Jul
    I knew it was a tropical storm because it had pulp.
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  13. 4 Jul
    Everyone's license plate was the same; so lame. Mine had to change. Went with a mixing bowl motif, Big Chief. I mean, Officer.
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  14. 4 Jul
    The Planter Project & ‘the possibilities of container gardening..” Public Seed Library (Zocalo Mag, pg. 10)
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  15. 2 Jul
    There’s something about being an art official that just sounds so fake.
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  16. 2 Jul
    Walking Away from Credit Card Debt by Nicholas Carroll (YouTube video, 6 minutes)
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  17. 2 Jul
    50 Ways to Leave Your Banker by Jeffrey Katz (Mother Jones magazine)
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  18. 2 Jul
    It's not that I can't stand still, or stay put. It's just I look so gosh darn good over here sitting pretty. That's all.
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  19. 6 Nov
    Ducks attack because they see through your bullshit and don't care for the bread you threw at them.
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  20. 8 Mar
    Sooooo I was checkin out this chicks ass when I got on the wrong train.
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  21. 7 Apr
    i think this wasp wants to hear me beatbox.
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  22. 7 Mar
    My tattoo of: "Caution - surface is hot" looks stupid now...but when I'm an old woman it's going to be hifuckinglarious.
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  23. 2 Jan
    I just shut the lights off on people in a public bathroom.
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  24. 6 Aug 11
    You don't know what funny is until you've partied in a teepee w/12 other people: high & doing "Great Cornholio" impressions concurrently.
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  25. 12 Nov
    Everyday hero: a hospital window washer who dresses as Spiderman to cheer up sick kids. ANYONE can make a difference.
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  26. 9 Feb
    I almost certainly fuck things up & get it wrong. Often. Always(?) But my stupid heart's in the right fucking place.
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  27. 4 Apr
    Pencils down. Pass your tweets forward. Class dismissed!
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  28. 2 Apr
    Yes. I have been subtweeted. But, if nothing else, I was subtweeted by the very best. Who I will not name as my own form of subtweet revenge
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  29. 26 Apr 11
    Apparently, any budget deficit, large or small, can be made up for by no longer stocking paper towels in the restrooms.
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  30. 5 Mar 11
    Middle Class = Working Poor Please retweet
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  31. 5 Oct 11
    If u are at a place where people don't hesitate to guide you to an address about which they themselves don't know , you are in New Delhi.
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  32. 5 Oct 11
    Life is short. Try EVERYTHING once. Unless it involves too much effort. Or you have to get out of bed too early. That's fucked up.
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  33. 15 Oct 11
    dear employers clients whoever all. so you know. we won't be performing hurrying over here in my spot. peace.
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  34. 27 Jun
    More people would likely give a shit if we would properly define 'the poor'.
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  35. 30 Apr
    I don't care which athlete or celebrity is gay, straight or bi...should be a non subject for the public...just saying.
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  36. 23 Apr
    See? What did I tell you Dolores. This job's no better than the last.
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  37. 23 Apr
    We illegally detain them for a decade. The least we could do is let them play soccer.
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  38. 22 Mar
    Why not Atlas *Hugged*? C'mon, Rand!
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  39. 5 Apr
    When my younger manager tries to get all tough, I feel like pinching his cheeks and going, "Who's a big boy, you're a big boy."
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  40. 5 Apr
    Don't even bother listening to the news...it's too anxiety provoking...not a damn thing we can do about any of it.
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  41. 13 Apr
    I just blocked a church.
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  42. 7 Apr
    *deletes all facebook friends*
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  43. 5 Apr
    I'm trying, to not be angry all the time cuz I'm saving hate for the days that my age will make me look like Chuck Norris without botox.
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  44. 25 Mar
    Sam Kinison - Jesus didn't have a wife via ttfn
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  45. 27 Mar
    We're here we're queer and we're not going to rake it... Gay landscapers union.
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  46. 11 Jul 11
    I hope that when the apocalypse does happen, it's just one Christian & one atheist in the world's most ridiculous slap fight.
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  47. 25 Mar
    Always have to resist the urge to end messages to my boss with "Now leave me alone."
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  48. 21 Mar
    My boss says he's finding ways to cut costs. So he hired this expensive financial consultant to help the company out.
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  49. 23 Mar
    I used to be sane but then I took an arrow to the knee
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  50. 22 Mar
    Idea: We all Follow each other's Followers in 1 massive Follow-in - no more pseudo celebrities & fans & elitism. Subvert the corporate model
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  51. 20 Mar
    Think i'm just waiting for the next global catastrophe to really shine as a person, ya know
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  52. 18 Feb
    Some will do anything to help you. Others will do anything for their own gain. When you learn the difference, you win.
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  53. 19 Nov 11
    From my point of view,the Wall street occupiers(&other places)are people who took the red pill,& they know the truth about what "Matrix" is
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  54. 23 Feb
    I would be dry if umbrellas were cool.
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  55. 10 May
    "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make" The Beatles - last lyric from the last song on their last album.
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  56. 20 Jun
    The Capitalist's Case For A $15 Minimum Wage: Bloomberg View "rising inequality creates a death spiral"
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  57. 20 Jun
    10 Insanely Overpaid Nonprofit Execs Hewett Found, American Cancer Society, Heritage Found., MOMA, Boys&Girls Club ..
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  58. 28 Jun
    I put the retweet in yogurt if you look closely, but watch out. Not too close if it’s Trix. You could get hit. With a bunny shot.
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  59. 21 Jun
    I am not afraid of change. I am afraid of a life that never does.
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  60. 28 Jun
    I know some of you have to go out of your way to see my tweets. And I feel honored when I see you here. <3
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  61. 28 Jun
    It's not just the use of a derogatory word. It's about a persons actions. The stories not over yet, y'all.
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  62. 28 Jun
    Every time George Michael loses faith a chemtrail decorates the sky.
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  63. 27 Jun
    I wonder what the ratio in Congress is between the expert doodlers and those who can sleep with their eyes open.
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  64. 27 Jun
    You should read this, even if you don't like to read. Wikileaks - Talk between Assange and Google's Schmidt
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  65. 25 Jun
    If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress ~ Barack Obama ♥
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  66. 25 Jun
    In my own peaceful zone, sending some love out into the universe xo
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  67. 27 Jun
    As kid, I had a gang; a junior mafia, of sorts: the Pickyer Nostra. Was disbanded due to too much in-fighting. And booger flicking.
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  68. 26 Jun
    What? I thought everybody liked watching train wrecks. Eyes over here.
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  69. 7 Nov
    I don't get even with people that have wronged me. I get even with the people that have been good to me.
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  70. 25 Jun
    Defend you? Pfft. Not if it'll cost me my Favstar status.
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  71. 25 Jun
    What's a Texas?
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  72. 25 Jun
    *takes off shirt, throws it to the absent audience and heads off for a nap* Don't touch it. The shirt, not yourself. Calm down. Breathe.
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  73. 25 Jun
    I'm not a fan of cosmetic surgery in general but am wholeheartedly in support of fake teeth
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  74. 25 Jun
    A sea of words, but no communication.
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  75. 19 Jun
    I was just told I shouldn't say things about where Hoffa may be found, so, I will not tell u he's currently enjoying a burrito on Bagley Ave
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  76. 21 Jun
    I'm always hopeful. I refuse to become cynical and hateful, no matter what or who the universe tests me with. Peace and love always.
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  77. 25 Jun
    Guess it's really hard for some people to see things from all angles but if you want to be a complete human being you have to give that a go
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  78. 25 Jun
    Tweeting after dark : grab my ass.
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  79. 11 Mar
    Yes officer, I knew it was probably a fucking stupid idea, but someone had to make sure, right?
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  80. 21 Jun
    True power is not feeling the need to belong to any clique, organization, or social circle. True power is independence.
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  81. 25 Jun
    Meanwhile, tweets but just ignores all of the twitter drama! Asshole.
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  82. 25 Jun
    We really want to have a debate about how, since heat rises, it's plausible that if there was a Heaven, it'd be hotter than Hell.
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  83. 20 Jun
    My drug-soaked past is haunting me. Abused 'em without consent, say surviving relatives of drugs I did. Kind bud charges may stick.
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  84. 15 Jun
    This tweet is the Super2Pac of politics.
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  85. 12 Jun
    National domestic piss NP poopy wet DP gross. CDS bets CDO..wrapped crap From hell’s bowels, an owl howls, “I’d like to buy a vowel.”
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  86. 12 Jun
    Michigan Supreme Court ruled simulating sex with blow-up dolls not grounds for firing, so your husband may get his teaching job back.
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  87. 11 Jun
    If my name was Nostradumbass and could wrongly predict all stupid things to come, I'd totally get t-shirts made with my name on them.
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  88. 10 Jun
    I’m surprised the United States hasn’t sued Twitter yet for copyright infringement.. For the glorification of stupidity. ;)
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  89. 8 Jun
    Hard to skip over the realization that when you don’t hold up your end of the deal, I look like a crazy guy walking an invisible dog.
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  90. 7 Jun
    Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Mr. Obama Ms. Napolitano Do you or TSA know.. Where did all my Hare Krishnas go?
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  91. 2 Jun
    When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are. - Donald Miller ♥
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  92. 5 Jun
    “God only knows the difference between devout atheists & huge narcissists,” he said, as 3 rodeo clowns beat his ass & peed on his PC.
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  93. 1 Jun
    Not as troubling I forgot I was on a raft & thought the land was moving away as it is that something just bit me & a line is forming.
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  94. 31 May
    Been thinking about the good old days before Kanye arrived on scene. Spent today listening to the U2 song, "Twitter Without You."
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  95. 18 Aug
    "The town was famous for its butter and its eunuchs." This book is losing me fast.
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  96. 1 Apr 12
    Best decision I ever made was to let myself be happy as often as possible, over as little as possible. Made all the difference.
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  97. 11 May
    None of the big clothes companies offered to help the poor kid who survived from Bangladesh collapse.They pay marketing managers for nothing
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  98. 1 May
    I accidentally broke up with my ex-girlfriend last night, by text. I thought we had broken up weeks ago. &womenRdifferent
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  99. 1 May
    Sometimes I ReTweet a Tweet I don't understand because I believe if I did understand it, I would laugh.
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  100. 1 May
    I'm not racist, but I'm not start a tweet that way, not racist.
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  101. 23 Sep
    They forming lines for food & at the other side for IPhone 5. NO ONE God who created this species can take himself seriously.
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  102. 30 Apr
    I write for a living but damn if I can figure out the elusive comma splice rule. Ah, maybe I gives a damn, maybe I don't gives a damn.
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  103. 5 Apr
    Why doesn't McDonald's have onion rings? Also, Ross was my least favorite Friend.
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  104. 8 Apr
    I just figured out that "my baby mama" = "my baby's mama." Woo-hoo! Next up: shizzle.
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  105. 30 Dec 11
    If you ask me... Twitter is the new Birth Control !!!
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  106. 28 Apr
    I think we all know now that "meth" was the correct answer to that question Dwayne Johnson kept asking at his wrestling matches.
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  107. 6 Mar
    Fact: for the exact same amount of $ the govt spends to buy the army an attack helicopter, they could buy me an attack helicopter.
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  108. 1 May
    Judging by who has recently unfollowed me, I am offensive to both sides of politics. I'm balanced!
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  109. 18 Apr
    Punching myself in the face while putting my bra on doesn't make me awesome but I didn't cry this time and that does ..!..
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  110. 27 Apr
    Today, Meth would be the personality that would make people dance (for 5 days straight) not Kevin Bacon. Footloose is such bullshit.
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  111. 24 Apr
    I'd recognize those boob avis anywhere, Todd.
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  112. 31 Mar
    11 to me- "Since you're old and gonna die first, how will I find you when I get to heaven?" 9- "Just have her paged on the intercom."
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  113. 5 Apr
    Two things that can measure who you really are: The way you manage when you have nothing and the way you behave when you have everything.
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  114. 6 Apr
    I would imagine from tv ads that a lot of you are impotent and have foot fungus and sleep disorders. Sorry y'all.
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  115. 29 Apr
    "Bachelor Of Science In Confusion Creation". Universities are offering this degree more & the rest of us get stuck in shit cuz of it
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  116. 30 Apr
    Sometimes I might tweet about ducks. In my head, the tweet will be about the devaluing currency in Venezuela. AND YOU’LL NEVER KNOW!!
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  117. 24 Mar
    invent me out of made up words sculpt me with invisible hands paint me outside the lines sing me into existence a miracle without a witness
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  118. 20 Apr
    The best revenge is when u just continue living ur life& u shine in all that u do& u forget ur even seeking revenge cuz fuck that person.
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  119. 4 Mar
    Jed's A Millionaire - "Fools Worship Gold" via
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  120. 6 Apr
    "Obama Voluntarily Takes 5% Pay Cut To Show Solidarity With Those Affected By Sequester" This guy can talk the talk AND walk the walk.
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  121. 10 May 11
    Only god knows how many french fries have slipped down under my emergency brake cover.
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  122. 23 Aug 11
    Canadian girls like it in the boot.
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  123. 14 Apr
    So many of you. Are soooo beautiful. Dear God, I hope you know that.
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  124. 12 Apr
    Be the reason someone smiles today.
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  125. 16 Apr
    ME. No one likes me at my new job. SIS. Well, that was bound to happen.
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  126. 16 Apr
    Those of you who order fish at dinner are ruining the atmosphere for the rest of us.
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  127. 13 Apr
    Once the screaming dies down I'll explain why I'm trying the dresses on in this shop.
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  128. 15 Apr
    My life would be so much better if I had an Amanda Bynes tracker app.
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  129. 31 Jan
    Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
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  130. 15 Apr
    I'll trade someone ten of my shitty tweets, NAYYY.... ALL OF EM, for a bag of Doritos.
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  131. 16 Apr
    Congrats on your fucking tweet
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  132. 16 Apr
    I only give out trophies because Favstar says you are going to love me now
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  133. 1 Aug 11
    Too good to miss ==> Jed's A Millionaire - 'She Says' ~• •~
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  134. 5 Dec
    “Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ― George Bernard Shaw ♥
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  135. 3 Apr
    .. "Seed Library" of Pima County Public Library via ..
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  136. 16 Apr
    Opposition Grows Fierce to Austerity Cuts in Portland via
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  137. 16 Apr
    i thought every tweet was a subtweet.. who knew??
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  138. 16 Apr
    I have to get over the immoral damnation I have with buying my own sex slave before I can buy Twitter followers.
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  139. 16 Apr
    Nobel Prize-Winner Joe Stiglitz Blasts America's 1 Percent-Coddling Tax System
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  140. 16 Apr
    Sometimes mom eats an avocado right out of the shell and then I call the Kids Help Phone hotline to shoot the breeze with someone.
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  141. 16 Apr
    Oregon has become staging ground for global debate about contamination of seed by other crops.
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  142. 16 Apr
    Morrissey on thatcher eloquent to the point accurate
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    from Oconomowoc, WI
  143. 16 Apr
    ~ Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it. ~Unknown ♥
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  144. 16 Apr
    *spends 15 years getting advanced degrees in astrophysics* *spends 20 years discovering new planet* *names planet dildo69* *high-5s science*
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  145. 16 Apr
    Lord of the Rings was also a cautionary economic tale. Gollum invested in precious metals, whereas Frodo was a shireholder.
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  146. 16 Apr
    I'm hoping rediscovering my wild side will lead me down the path of getting laid.
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  147. 16 Apr
    It's weird how I can be the "crazy one" & the only one who actually knows what the hell is really going on.
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posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 9:00 AM   0 Comments